A long time ago, in a land far, far away, I rented Young & Handsome: An Evening with Jeff Garlin. You can rent it, as I did, from Netflix and I highly recommend doing so. While enjoying his routine, I was pleased to learn he agrees with me on a very important issue. An issue which has brought great grievance to my heavy heart. It was at this point I realized he even agrees with me about the apparent mental deviancy behind this perverse act.
“My bad.” The phrase hangs in the air like wet mucus, ejected from the infected mouth and nostrils of a commuter on a mid-town bus or cross-town train, too lazy and, perhaps, too thoughtless to sneeze into his elbow. Whether on a train or a bus, flying mucus is just nasty. And “My bad” is just as nasty to hear.
The phrase “Good times,” like a vindictive teacher’s nails on a chalkboard, you were made to stay after to wash because a friend misbehaved and blamed you. The penalty is a bitter pill to swallow, as bitter as these debauched words forcing themselves upon your eardrums.
Jeff, like me, believes that whoever coined “My bad” must have picked it up from a mentally challenged person. Stop it. Be honest. It does sound retarded. In the same way, “Sloth love Chunk,” sounds retarded.
Let it be known that I had already come to the realization that the use of these words, together, was worse than merely bad syntax. It was and is an assault on language, itself. Webster was rolling over in his grave feeling as though someone had violated, not only him, but his sister, his mother, and his grandmother too. It pained me, and still does, to hear these words spoken aloud.
Knowing how Jeff felt about “My bad,” I took the opportunity, in one of my sample Curb scripts to have Jeff take issue with my nemesis phrase, “Good times”. I knew it would ring true, seeing as how we held a similar belief. Keep in mind, I had already formed my own opinion, filed a complaint with the grammar police, and put in a grievance with the syntax union by the time I saw his act. I feel I need to mention this both for posterity and to protect against accusations of plagiarism and/or hack-ism.
In my sample, Jeff airs his grievance regarding “Good times” to Larry and Leon. He criticizes two dining patrons for not forming complete sentences, adding that “Good Times” should only be used to reference the old TV sit-com about life in the ghetto.
Many people I know and associate with still use these repellent phrases. I petitioned for euthanization, but it’s still against the law. So, I felt genuinely vindicated when I saw that Jeff was on my side. Sort of.
The purpose of this blog posting is to (hopefully) enlighten and to perhaps allow folks to see the error of their words. For the love of Jeff, for the love of the English language, for the love of Strunk & White and all things elemental and stylistic, I respectfully request that you abstain from using “My bad” and “Good times” in conversation or anywhere else. It not only makes you sound mentally incompetent, it’s just bad grammar. Alternatively, if you insist on sounding like Sloth, just know that Jeff and I will be making fun of you.